Crawlers, management believed that three Dungeon Crawler Carl drops would be sufficient.

Management was wrong.

Due to continued customer harassment, poor impulse control and the designer’s complete inability to stop turning fictional trauma into embroidery patterns, you have unlocked:

THE ROAD TO FLOOR 18 – A FOUR-DROP EXPANSION

Congratulations.

You now have four more opportunities to make terrible financial and crafting decisions.

DROP ONE: MANDATORY ORIENTATION

Before beginning your descent, each crawler must complete the required reading.

Yes. All of it.

The new release includes eight 5×7 ITH bookmarks—one for each book currently available—because dog-earing pages is barbaric, and losing your place during a dungeon emergency may result in dismemberment, emotional damage or spoilers.

Possibly all three.

You will also receive:

• An 8×12 appliqué Samantha head
• Absolutely Nothing
• Baby Seal
• You Are Here
• Boxer Shorts
• Disaster
• Floor 18
• Quest Accepted
• Gaslight Jesus

Those nine ITH designs are available as fobs and patches, allowing you to label your keys, bags and personal catastrophes appropriately.

Finally, the Heart Boxers zip bag provides storage for emergency supplies, explosives, unidentified potions or the last remaining scraps of your dignity.

NEW ACHIEVEMENT!

REQUIRED READING IS FOR OTHER PEOPLE

You accepted a multi-floor quest after glancing at the title, ignoring the instructions and assuming everything would work itself out.

It will not.

Reward?

A map marked YOU ARE HERE.

It does not tell you where “here” is.

It also appears to be moving.

QUEST ACCEPTED.

The Road to Floor 18 has begun.

Next floor: Boss Battle.

Please make better life choices before arrival.

Just kidding.

The AI has seen your browser history.