SYSTEM ANNOUNCEMENT

Crawlers, your mandatory orientation is now complete.

Did you read all eight books?

Of course you didn’t.

You glanced at the bookmarks, equipped the boxer shorts and followed the map marked YOU ARE HERE without asking where “here” was.

Adorable.

WELCOME TO DROP TWO: BOSS BATTLE – POOR LIFE CHOICES

Your inventory has been expanded with six new wallet tabs: Boxer Shorts, Jug O’Boom, Princess Donut, Skull, Tiara, Trophy

The tiara is important.

The trophy is aspirational.

The skull belonged to the last crawler who assumed the Jug O’Boom was merely decorative.

You will also receive two new 5×7 bookmarks: Boss Battle and You Are Here.

Yes, the map still says YOU ARE HERE.

No, it has not become more useful.

Today’s ITH fobs and patches include:

• Monster Eye
• Fuck the Cheese Sticks
• Boss Battle
• Oh, Look! Even More Poor Life Choices
• Illicit Butthole Money
• Fireball is an Outside Spell
• I Require Better Staff

• I AM YELLING, CARL!

For crawlers attempting to improve morale, we have two full fills:

UNITY. SUPPORT. FAMILY.

And:

PREPARE FOR BEEYATTLE.

One of those is an inspiring reminder that nobody survives the dungeon alone.

The other suggests that someone has made a catastrophic spelling decision immediately before combat.

Both are equally valuable.

Survive the encounter and you may qualify for the Platinum Asshole Box zip bag.

NEW ACHIEVEMENT!

YOU BROUGHT A PLANNER TO A BOSS BATTLE

You carefully organized your tabs, documented your poor life choices and scheduled a fireball for 3:15.

Unfortunately, the boss was available at 2:45.

Reward?

A PLATINUM ASSHOLE BOX!

It contains money, horror and a coupon redeemable for one additional poor life choice.

The coupon has already been used.

BOSS BATTLE COMPLETE.

Assuming all essential body parts remain attached, proceed to the next floor.

The audience is waiting.