Bring Me The Funny!

(Again, I’m cheating. The first blog post in this category is TOTALLY copypasta from my personal Facebook page. I 100% promise, in the future, I won’t cheat so much) 


“Quilt Abomination a Cannibal!”

Published May 28, 2013 /Riqui’s Facebook Feed

The true horror of the fabric cannibal might never have been known if it weren’t for the fact that the atrocity was an organ donor. Last night Riqui’s first ever quilt gave up the ghost and was euthanized. Having signed on to donate its face to a still in progress infant quilt, J & R Platypus Crest Quilt, the first ever Riqui quilt monstrosity went under the seam ripper. The face will be grafted on to the recipient’s posterior as a backer despite the shocking discovery. 

It appears that at some point in the past, the travesty of a quilt ATE one of Scott’s Navy PT shirts. While age, time and poor construction had allowed batting to come unanchored and topper seams to pull apart, no holes large enough for ingestion were discovered. Visually, the eyesore of a quilt was the equivalent of Texas Chainsaw Massacre’s Leatherface. No one would have guessed it also had similar appetites to the famed Hollywood villain. 

When asked, close neighbor and longtime companion Heating Blanket stated “He seemed like a nice guy, you know. Quiet, kept to himself. I’m sure he had some self-esteem issues given, well, you know, his birth defects and all. And he was pretty heavy but after living next to him for 12 years, I never would have guessed.” 

Authorities are left stunned and aghast by the repulsive act and the postmortem report which confirmed there were no holes big enough for the PT shirt to pass through. 

Man on the street observer Scott Gardner is reported as stating “Well, we’ve always known some funky weird time/space shit happens in our washer.”

Scott’s (boring) interpretation of the events: 

If anyone is a little confused after reading Riqui’s update, here’s the gist of it:

A while back, one of my Navy workout shirts just disappeared in the washer (I think I posted about it here). Not up under the rim, not under the agitator – nowhere.

So, fast-forward to last night, and Riqui’s taking apart the first quilt she ever made in order to use it as the backing for a new quilt she’s working on. She rips open one of the seams, reaches in to pull out some of the batting, and comes out with my lost shirt.

There were some small tears in the quilt already, but nothing that I would have thought the shirt could have fit through. So, we’ve decided that her quilt is a cannibal and/or there’s a space/time vortex in our washing machine.

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