FLOOR 18: THE AUDIENCE IS WATCHING
SYSTEM ANNOUNCEMENT Crawlers, congratulations. You have reached Floor 18. Against all odds, you are still alive. This is unfortunate for several people who bet against
Pirate Prostitutes and Hitler Zombies: A Teacher’s Day in Quotes
Teaching high school isn’t just about lesson plans and lectures—it’s also about navigating the hilariously unfiltered logic of teenagers. From pirate prostitutes to Hitler zombies, here are some of the most bizarre, laugh-out-loud moments overheard in my classroom.
March 12, 2010
Today’s roundtable discussion was a wild ride: from kidney donation to organ theft to organ pirates to pirate prostitutes. And then, in a sing-song voice, a student declared, “I want to be a prostitute, a pirate prostitute for all!” Kids are twisted—but hilariously so.
September 8, 2010
Brainstorming exercise of the day: students were word-associating off the term “disrespect.” One genius wrote, “Fowl Language.” For the next week, every time I get annoyed, I’ll be yelling, “DUCKING GOOSE!”
October 15, 2010
Overheard during class: “Layola? Isn’t that a type of crayon?” Yes, exactly. St. Ignatius, patron saint of colorful coloring implements! Once again, kids never fail to crack me up.
November 19, 2010
Bonus question fail on my part: What is a Geisha NOT? (correct answer: she’s not a prostitute)
Best student answer for the win: She’s not a toaster (yes, I wet myself grading papers)
April 6, 2011
While teaching about Hitler and Eva Braun’s final days, I explained how they married on April 29, had a “honeymoon” on April 30 (featuring cyanide tea and a self-inflicted gunshot wound), and were then pulled from the bunker, doused in petrol, and set alight. I asked the class, “Why do you think they burned Hitler’s body?”
Honest-to-god answer from a student: To prevent the rise of a Hitler Zombie?
I mean, c’mon, it doesn’t get any more evil than that!
May 23, 2011
No class can possible go well when the tardy bell hasn’t even rung yet and the first question you get from a student is “Mrs. Gardner, you know about tea-bagging, right?”
Sadly, no, she wasn’t referring to the Tea Party. What are Vegas odds of me making it to June 17 without losing my shit?
Final Thought
Teaching high school is like being a ringmaster in a three-ring circus—juggling lesson plans, managing unexpected outbursts, and trying to keep the lions (or teenagers) from eating each other. Just when you think you have everything under control, someone tosses in a unicycling bear with a comment about pirate prostitutes or Hitler zombies. But it’s these unscripted, hilarious moments that make the chaos worthwhile. They remind us that education isn’t just about facts and figures—it’s about laughter, connection, and the joy of discovering the unpredictable brilliance of the teenage mind.
SYSTEM ANNOUNCEMENT Crawlers, congratulations. You have reached Floor 18. Against all odds, you are still alive. This is unfortunate for several people who bet against
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SYSTEM ANNOUNCEMENT Crawlers, congratulations. You have reached Floor 18. Against all odds, you are still alive. This is unfortunate for several people who bet against
SYSTEM ANNOUNCEMENT Crawlers, your mandatory orientation is now complete. Did you read all eight books? Of course you didn’t. You glanced at the bookmarks, equipped
Crawlers, management believed that three Dungeon Crawler Carl drops would be sufficient. Management was wrong. Due to continued customer harassment, poor impulse control and the