🎶 Woke up late, coffee’s cold,Got a hundred patterns that I’ve never sewn!Thread’s a mess, cat’s in the hoop,There’s a purple little weirdo in my sewing room! Needle broke, bobbin’s gone,Machine’s been screaming since the crack of dawn!Husband says, “You don’t need more!”THEN WHY’S THERE SEVEN CUTIES AT MY DOOR?! 🎶 ARMY! SOUND THE ALARM! […]
Congratulations, Crawlers! You’ve survived eighteen floors of psychological trauma, questionable alliances, and entertainment programming that would violate the Geneva Convention on approximately 47 planets. And now? THE REINFORCEMENTS HAVE ARRIVED. DUNGEON CRAWLER CARL — DROP 7 IS HERE! Eight new chibi characters have entered the dungeon: Bianca! Big Tina! Imani! Jamal! Kandy Biggs Newton! Odette! […]
SYSTEM ANNOUNCEMENT Crawlers, congratulations. You have reached Floor 18. Against all odds, you are still alive. This is unfortunate for several people who bet against you. Please remain calm. Do not attempt to leave. Do not look directly at the audience. And under NO circumstances should you ask why six familiar faces are peeking out […]
SYSTEM ANNOUNCEMENT Crawlers, your mandatory orientation is now complete. Did you read all eight books? Of course you didn’t. You glanced at the bookmarks, equipped the boxer shorts and followed the map marked YOU ARE HERE without asking where “here” was. Adorable. WELCOME TO DROP TWO: BOSS BATTLE – POOR LIFE CHOICES Your inventory has […]
Crawlers, management believed that three Dungeon Crawler Carl drops would be sufficient. Management was wrong. Due to continued customer harassment, poor impulse control and the designer’s complete inability to stop turning fictional trauma into embroidery patterns, you have unlocked: THE ROAD TO FLOOR 18 – A FOUR-DROP EXPANSION Congratulations. You now have four more opportunities […]
What’s the difference between a Mish Mash Succotash Drop and a Widows & Orphans Drop, you ask? Well, a Widows & Orphans Drop is usually made up of different versions of things you’ve seen before. They just got left out of the larger collection—like a stray fob, a matching notebook cover or an alternate format […]
FROM THE OWENS GRIMOIRESPELL THREE: TO CALL YOUR MAGIC HOME Purpose: To gather every scattered piece of yourself, claim the magic you once feared, and bring it home for good. Lay out the tools of your craft: One cauldronOne mortar and pestleOne Book of ShadowsOne suspicious bottle of poisonOne Midnight MargaritaOne pair of red bootsAnd […]
FROM THE OWENS GRIMOIRESPELL TWO: TO TEND WHAT GROWS Purpose: To nourish newly awakened magic, protect the household, encourage good fortune, and produce one extremely effective Midnight Margarita. After performing the first spell, you may notice certain changes. The garden may grow more quickly.The grimoire may open to pages you do not remember writing.The blender […]
FROM THE OWENS GRIMOIRESPELL ONE: TO AWAKEN THE OLD WAYS Purpose: To stir inherited magic, strengthen the ties between women, and remind certain stubborn witches that pretending not to be magical has never once made them less magical. You will need: One garden gateA generous amount of saltRosemary for remembranceLavender for luckFive witches beneath a […]
The dragon has been defeated. The treasure has been divided. The lich has finally stayed dead… …probably. The barbarian somehow solved three encounters by hitting them with an axe. The rogue insists they were “borrowing” the loot. The bard still refuses to explain what happened with the dragon. The wizard learned absolutely nothing and is […]